Application for The Brotherhood

My name is Samuel James Corbett and I would like to submit my application for consideration to join the Corbett Brotherhood.
I realize that, at 8 months of age, I am a bit younger than your normal applicants but I believe that my abilities will far outweigh any chronological deficiencies.

I have consulted the REQUIREMENTS FOR BROTHERHOOD ACCEPTANCE and will hereby list those I have hitherto completed.
1. Must have sustained a minor injury due to mom’s gross neglect.
(Please see attached accident report of last week’s highchair incident)
2. Must be able to procure your own dietary sustenance outside of mom’s permission and/or knowledge.
I will submit my list of "Recommended Edibles" as soon as I complete my research on whether the items found underneath the stove, refrigerator and couch have passed the Digestible and Passable Analysis.
3. Mother must state your name in full (last name is optional but the distinct pronunciation of full first name AND middle name is essential) at least 3 times a day. Bonus points for getting her confused enough to say full first and middle name of another child when referring to you.
4. Must alter, maim or completely destroy at least one item belonging to mom and/or dad per month. Please list below.
I find this a particular area of expertise as they still seem to be lax in the area of magazines and books. However, I was able to successfully turn off the computer while mom was about done typing something she had been working on for quite awhile. By the language that proceeded forth and the color of her face (as well as fulfilling requirement #3 above), it is my belief that she hadn’t saved it.
5. Must be able to make one or more parent abruptly stop an enjoyable leisure activity to run pell-mell to check the safety of a cherished possession or life of a child (could be your own life or that of a sibling that has been put in jeopardy).
First, I would like to say that I don’t much appreciate the fact that most of you have chosen to risk MY life in the fulfillment of this requirement and until I am big enough to repay you in kind, I will have to fall back on the corrosive abilities of my abundant supply of saliva to destroy anything of a fibrous nature.

It is my most sincere wish to be able to list myself as one of the distinguished members of The Corbett Brotherhood and hope that you view my abilities and expertise as an asset to your cause.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Samuel James Corbett